Step right up, step right up! As I write this, I’m still in a bit of Powerball withdrawal. I was that close to winning a billion and a half smackers, you see. Well, kind of. Or not.
Note: Not only did I not get any of the numbers right, I’m pretty sure I didn’t come within five of any of the numbers that were drawn. You might choose to view that as a horrible defeat. Me? I’m an optimist. And according to my limited math skills, I’ve learned (or made up) the fact that losing so horribly, by so much, in Powerball is actually less likely than winning the whole shebang.
And because I’m an optimist, I began looking for another lottery to enter. Turns out us Mainers are especially susceptible to lottery-driven urges, and we can’t resist entering for the chance to win the big one!
Luckily for me, it’s the perfect time to quench my gambling thirst and win AN ACTUAL BIG ONE!
A moose, that is.
Interested in joining me? Here’s all you have to do: Activate the cool Google machine on your computer. Note: You have to act quickly! The deadline for entry into this cool contest is May 16.
Then, cross your fingers (it’s never too early to start generating good luck) and type this: “Win a Maine moose!”
(I know, I know: Google says that adding the exclamation point doesn’t matter. I think the Google-ites are wrong, and I include the punctuation to show how EXCITED I am to win an actual Maine moose).
After your search, you will arrive at the moose-winning portal: It’s a lottery (YAY!) that will allow you the chance to win your very own Maine moose.
Exciting? You bet!
It’ll cost you a few bucks, and though the web page won’t actually say this, there’s no need to start building your very own moose corral in your backyard. This lottery (despite the search terms I provided) will not provide you a chance at winning your own pet moose. Or riding moose. Or work moose.
It will, however (if you’re lucky … and of course, we’re all lucky!), give you a chance at the hunt of a lifetime.
There are some who aren’t particularly impressed with the way the Maine Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife run the lottery. Of course, I wasn’t too impressed with the way the Powerball organizers screwed me out of my billion and a half clams, so I guess there are always going to be disgruntled players.
This is, after all, a game of chance.
And I’m happy to announce, you’ve got a much better chance to win a moose (or moose permit) than you do at getting rich playing other lottery games. In fact, in 2015 Mainers who entered the moose permit lottery had a 1-in-70 chance of winning a moose (or moose permit). Heck, if I’d had those kinds of odds on the Powerball, I might have bought more than one ticket.
The best news: When you’re trying to win a moose, the state has your back:. They know we’re all mangy about moose. They know we’d waste all of our hard-earned money (which could be better spent on essentials like cigs and coffee brandy) to win a moose, if they allowed it.
Therefore, we Mainers are limited to one chance in the lottery. And as they say, “All it takes is one!” Just imagine! Who wants to be a moose-ionaire?”
I do. You probably do, too.
And if you’re like me, you’ve already begun planning your victory dance, and have started eliminating your laziest relatives from the hunting party that will head into the woods in search of your VERY OWN MOOSE!
You’ve probably also begun planning for the big day — June 11 — and are assembling the wardrobe you’ll wear at the drawing ceremony at Kittery Trading Post.
I know I have.
Because this year, I’m going to be a winner. I’m sure of it. In fact, I haven’t been so sure of anything since the Powerball dudes stole my money back in January.
So join me, won’t you? Enter now. Celebrate later. And look for me in Kittery.
I’ll be the one wearing camouflage clothing … and doing my victory dance.
(Just like many of the other winners, I bet).
John Holyoke can be reached at email@example.com or 990-8214. Follow him on Twitter: @JohnHolyoke